By Joe Moskwa
Super Bowl XLII
Sunday, February 3, 2008
New York Giants vs. New England Patriots
Looks like we’re a couple of days from kickoff, and I’ll admit it – I can’t wait. I’ve got one of the best cooks in the world at my house this Sunday (that would be ME), a great team of drinkers, eaters, and laughers, and then after about six straight hours of goofing around and stuffing ourselves, they’ll kickoff a football game!
Now it’s the biggest game of the year, but what can I really say about it? I mean, what can I talk about that isn’t already being beaten like a drum? So you know what I’m gonna do? I’m going to let you listen to all that stuff on SportsCenter or in your favorite newspaper. Why should I repeat the undefeated and dynasty and Eli Manning and Brady talk? There’s really no point.
Okay, TWO sentences. That’s all it gets. Sentence #1: The New York Giants are getting 11.5 points. Sentence #2: The Giants will either win the game OUTRIGHT, or they will lose by 17+, so pull a “Joe†this Sunday and spend your money on hooch and yummers and yummies and munchies and not betting.
What are “yummers†and “hooch†you may ask? Well, you’ll have to see on Sunday if you want to know. You know, at my gathering. Hint: If you have enough hooch, you’ll start to make up words like yummers and shishka-baloney. Here, try the filet-of-pattay. A-la-mode even.
Some of the conversation WILL make sense though. Like when I start to reminisce about Super Bowls of years past. I grew up in the ‘80s, and my biggest and fondest memories are of watching Montana and Elway play. Sure, the Broncos always lost, but those two QBs were money, and they dominated the entire decade. The only thing I didn’t like was about how the adults wouldn’t stop rambling about Bart Starr and Terry Bradshaw. Bradshaw, Starr, Bradshaw, Starr, Steel Curtain, Starr… GRRR!!! Please be quiet, you are interrupting Joe Montana’s drive! I just wanted the ramblings about these dinosaurs to stop. I was certain that Bradshaw wore a leather helmet and was probably dead. Since all my uncles that talked about it were bald, these games must’ve been played in the 1800s. Which makes me realize, that NOW, my KIDS are going to start saying: Dad, stop talking about Joe Montana, he’s probably dead and we are trying to watch Tom Brady win his eighth Super Bowl. Now pass the cream-of-salami banana-split dip.
(Filet-of-pattay and salami-banana dip are just things I make up when I make something REAL, ask someone to try it, and they say “what is it†before they bite. Don’t you hate when they do that? Just try it!)
Drinking games that WILL be played this Sunday during the game at my house:
1) A round of Jello shots every time the camera shows Peyton and Archie sitting together.
2) All the women chug half a beer every time the word “undefeated†is mentioned.
3) All the men chug a whole beer every time the word “dynasty†is mentioned.
4) A round of Jello shots every time the ‘72 Miami Dolphins are mentioned.
5) Mandatory Jager bombs for the people that I choose whenever Junior Seau winning a ring after 33 years in the NFL is mentioned, whenever sixth-round-draft pick is mentioned, and when the “possible†stat of two brothers both winning a Super Bowl is mentioned. Either the announcers will have nothing to talk about, or we’ll be wearing out a few healthy livers on Sunday. Yikes!
I hope everyone has a blast this Sunday. I’ve got to head out now and stock up on Tums and Tylenol.
Editor’s note: I put a figurative gun to Joe’s head and forced a pick out of him.
PICK: Take the G-Men and the points (+11.5).