Canon Fodder – Sports Blog

Editor’s Note: The following is a fictional account of events from earlier this week…

…Or is it?

LaGuardia Airport, New York

***NBA commissioner David Stern is seated at an empty shoeshine stand reading a newspaper when NFL commissioner Roger Goodell walks by.***

 

GOODELL: “David? David, is that you?”

 

STERN: “Hey Roger. Are you in-bound or out-bound?”

 

GOODELL: “Just in from Virginia. The dog-thing. How about you?”

 

STERN: “I had that press conference the other day. Been talking to lawyers since.”

 

GOODELL: “I know what you mean. I thought the shooting in Vegas was bad—“

 

STERN: “—At one of my events, no less.”

 

GOODELL: “Well, that was embarrassing for both of us, but this dog situation is an utter disaster. PETA is relentless. Shoot a guy and nobody bats an eye. Wager on some dogs in a pit fight and the soccer moms form a bloodthirsty mob.”

 

STERN: “Uh-oh. Guess who’s here…”

 

SELIG: “Gentlemen.” ***MLB acting-commissioner approaches and takes a seat next to Stern*** “Why the long faces?”

 

GOODELL: “Greetings, Allan. Aren’t you supposed to be in San Francisco for when Mr. Personality breaks your prestigious record?”

 

SELIG: “If the human bobblehead hits #756, my people have instructions to prop up a cardboard cutout of me in the owner’s suite.”

 

STERN: “It’s not as though anyone could tell the difference.”

 

SELIG: “Hey, it ain’t easy cultivating this image as a curmudgeon.”

 

GOODELL: “Regardless, you’re in an especially chipper mood. You finally get that salary cap of which you’ve been dreaming?”

 

SELIG: “Haha, guys. We’ll get that cap someday. We’ll probably go after it when Big George gives up the ghost. In the meantime, your leagues seem to be the hot topics on the airwaves and neither of you are even in-season. Between gunplay and dogs,” ***Goodell winces*** “…and suspect officials,” ***Stern groans*** “…well, you haven’t seen BALCO in the headlines for a few days.”

 

STERN: “That crooked ref could have happened to any of us. Honestly, I was sure Roger would be dealing with this first.”

 

GOODELL: “Pardon me?”

 

SELIG: “He’s right, Roger. We both were sure the NFL would be the first to be fixing games.”

 

GOODELL: “I rule with an iron first and our officials have integrity in spades.”

 

STERN: “I used to believe the same thing. Then…”

 

SELIG: “Don’t feel too bad there Dave. When the Feds get through with that bozo, all of our officials will feel their colons pucker when they get within a mile of sportsbook.”

 

GOODELL: “He’s right, David. When the Federals gets involved, it’s “game over” for those that have drawn their ire. I believe a certain quarterback has played his last game.”

 

SELIG: “I’m sure he’ll get to scramble around in a pickup game or two around the prison yard.”

 

GOODELL: “Doubtful. He’ll surely be attempting to avoid 300-pound behemoths, but it will be in snug confines of a cell. The place they’ll be sending him won’t be the country club they sent ol’ Martha Stewart. He’s going to one of the dreadful ones nobody talks about.”

 

SELIG: “What about Donkey Kong?”

 

STERN: “You mean ‘Pacman’.”

 

SELIG: “Whatever. Where’s he going?”

 

GOODELL: “Likely nowhere. To paraphrase those awful commercials, what happened in Vegas will probably stay in Vegas. Local prosecutors don’t swing quite the big stick mister ‘Ron Mexico’ is facing. I’ll wager the ‘Pacman’ is back in camp a year from now.”

 

STERN: “Once my mess is settled, I’ll bet we never hear from my little problem again.”

 

SELIG: “You think the mob will take care of him?”

 

STERN: “Naw. He’ll get witness protection. He’ll end up officiating high school games in Podunk nowhere and collecting a government stipend to stay ethereal.”

 

GOODELL: “It could be worse. You could be him.” ***Goodell nods his head toward NHL commissioner Gary Bettman heading their way with a cup of coffee.

 

BETTMAN: ***Handing the coffee to Stern*** “Here you go, David.”

 

SELIG: “I see you’re still fetching java for your former boss. Old habits die hard for you, Gary?”

 

BETTMAN: “Don’t you have a steroids scandal to ignore?”

 

GOODELL: “Don’t you have a fanbase to ignore?”

 

BETTMAN: “Ha. Good one, Roger. Pick on the guy in fourth place.”

 

STERN: “Fourth?”

 

BETTMAN: “Et tu, David?”

 

GOODELL: “Last I checked, you need to have a television contract to be considered a significant sport.”

 

BETTMAN: “We have a contract.” ***Goodell, Stern and Selig chuckle and guffaw***

 

SELIG: “He’s right, guys. They’ve got their ‘Game of the Week’ sandwiched between a fishing show and cycling.”

 

GOODELL: “If I recall, didn’t NBC cut away from one of your playoff games for a horseracing pre-show?”

 

BETTMAN: “They continued coverage in the two cities involved in the game.”

 

STERN: “So the audience dropped from zero to nothing.” ***More giggles from Stern, Selig and Goodell***

 

BETTMAN: ***Pleading*** “David, please.”

 

STERN: “I’m sorry, Gary. I just forgot how much I loved having you around to play the foil. I guess old habits really do die hard.”

 

***The conversation is interrupted when NASCAR CEO Brian France and MLS commissioner Don Garber walk by***

 

GARBER: “Hey, Dave, Bud, Roger, nice to see you guys.”

 

FRANCE: “The last time we saw you three together was at that ESPN soiree. That was one great party.”

 

BETTMAN: “ESPN?”

 

STERN: “The ‘worldwide leader’ had an event for all of the leagues it has contracts with.”

 

SELIG: “The NHL wasn’t on the guest list.”

 

BETTMAN: “Even NASCAR and soccer are on the big network?”

 

SELIG: “That drops your guys down to sixth.”

 

BETTMAN: “Sixth?”

 

FRANCE: “Hey, Dave, do the imitation of that annoying-whiney guy that used to work for you.”

 

BETTMAN: “David!”

 

FRANCE: “That’s it! You know him too?”

 

STERN: ***Changing the subject*** “Brian, Don, we’ll have to catch-up with you another time.”

 

SELIG: ***Looking around*** “Where is the shoeshine boy? I’ve got a plane to catch.”

 

GOODELL: ***Pointing to a scuff on his own shoe*** “Good idea, Allan. My wingtips could use a good shine.”

 

SELIG: ***Noticing Bettman rolling up his sleeves and starting to add polish to a brush before turning his attention to Stern’s shoes*** “Good grief, Gary. You don’t work for Dave anymore. You’re a commissioner of a major leag–, err, well, you’re a commissioner now. You can pay someone to shine your shoes–”

 

STERN: ***Interrupting*** “Bud, you don’t understand…”

 

SELIG: “I understand plenty. Niche sport or not, he doesn’t have to keep sucking up to you.”

 

GOODELL: “He’s right, David. The incessant tending to your every need is quite demeaning.”

 

STERN: “Gentlemen, you don’t understand. This…” ***Indicating the shoeshine stand*** “…Is Gary’s job in the off-season.”

 

GOODELL: “Oh dear.”

 

SELIG: “Ouch.”

 

STERN: “You know, I was feeling pretty down this week but after looking at how things could be,” ***Stern, Selig and Goodell stare at Bettman working diligently at shining his shoes*** “…we really don’t have it that bad.”

 

SELIG: “Steroids or not, baseball’s ratings are up.”

 

GOODELL: “We’re more popular than ever. Some even talk of the NFL as the ‘national pastime’.” ***Selig glares at Goodell***

 

BETTMAN: “I hate you guys.”

 

**************

 

Admittedly, something a little different. Real life has been kind of busy lately and when that happens, Canon Fodder feels the pain. Be sure to keep checking in and I’ll do my best to give you a good reason to do so. While you’re at it, continue to spread the word about Canon Fodder. Slowly but surely, this little website is gaining in popularity. If you’ve got a question, comment or suggestion, send them to jeff@canon-fodder.com.