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The More Things Change…

Monday, September 17th, 2007

Let me tell you how hard it is to crank out an article or two when you’re entertaining a father-in-law for a month. My wife’s father is visiting from New Zealand and in the last two weeks we’ve been to a grand prix, two major league baseball games, two museums and a trip to Frankenmuth. The poor man has been inundated with Americana. I even lined up a couple of articles loosely titled “Extrava-Dad-Za” but too many familial factors conspired to keep me from my beloved Canon Fodder.

But now I’m back. Well, sort of. The father-in-law leaves town Thursday so we’ll return to normalcy soon after. In the meantime, I’ll throw a tidbit to the masses in hopes that it satiates the appetite.

Taking a quick glance at the sports world this week, I realized the more things change, the more they stay the same. Don’t think so? Let’s take a look…

Joey Harrington is the starting quarterback in Atlanta.
In a related story, fans in Detroit and Miami are being blamed for crashing every gambling website in their zeal to wager against the Falcons.

Under the scrutiny of an HGH scandal, Rick Ankiel and the Cardinals are slumping.
As the only living human being that didn’t jump on the ‘feel-good comeback’ bandwagon, I just want to say, “Told you so.” (Second headline.)

And while I’m tooting my own horn of prognostication, remember this article from back in March? Let’s give it a quick once-over to see how I came through on my haiku predictions.

I hit a few on the nose:

Strong start in April.
Seattle fans given hope,
then Mariners fade.

Upgrade with Sheffield.
Motown kitties still learning.
This year a setback.

Schmidt carried Giants.
Years of overuse catch up.
Dodger dog on mound.

Then again, I missed big time on a pair too.

Humbled by last year
Guillen rekindles pale hose.
ChiSox win pennant.

Ninety-nine year drought.
Goat curse continues its streak.
The lovable Cubs.

The fact I have both Chicago teams predicted exactly backwards means I was either off by just a fraction (AL versus NL) or by as much as one could be and nothing in-between. And what did I learn? Making predictions is not only a tedious endeavor; you get the added bonus of looking like an idiot six month afterwards.

First overall pick Greg Oden will miss the entire NBA season to microfracture surgery.
Just in-case you thought the Blazers were finally going to put that Bowie-before-Jordan debacle behind them, Oden-over-Durant rings eerily similar. Not good times in Portland.

WNBA outdraws MLB in 2007!
Okay, I fibbed just a bit. Technically speaking, there was a Major League Baseball game with only a few hundred in the stands and it did draw less than a WNBA Finals game, but who are we really kidding here?

Winless Notre Dame travels to the Big House to play a winless Michigan on Saturday.
So what’s the same about this game? It’s yet one more historic match-up in the long history of these two teams. How so? Never have these two met and both been 0-2.

(In all honesty, I’m just grasping at straws to justify why I’ll be battling traffic all the way to Ann Arbor so I can witness this epic battle of ineptitude.)

Keep checking Canon Fodder as I’ll hopefully be back to a normal writing schedule next week. Until then, pass around our address and sending in those e-mails to jeff@canon-fodder.com.

Posted in Canon Fodder, College Football, Jeffrey Petts, MLB, NBA, NFL, WNBA | No Comments »

Headlines We Would Love to See

Thursday, August 16th, 2007

By Jeffrey Petts

We’ll stay away from the fantasy football primer for at least one more day. (My league is on Day Nine of our draft and I’m a little footballed-out.) Instead, Canon Fodder brings you fictitious newspaper headlines we could one day see if a copy editor falls asleep at the wheel. (Beware: double entendres ahead.)

Say MLB Commissioner Bud Selig was to discover a certain portly pitcher residing in southern California is linked to the BALCO/steroids scandal and then pointed George Mitchell in his direction. Considering many already feel Selig is the antichrist, the headline might read like this…

Commissioner’s Office Probing Angels’ Colon

Though I’m sure the MLB team in San Diego has nothing to do with the Archdiocese of Los Angeles, this could be an instance of a perfectly innocent meet-the-players event gone wrong:

Young Boys Sleep-Over Camp Embraced by Padres

What if NBA ballers Shaquille O’Neal, Carlos Boozer, Rudy Gay and Vince Carter were to spend a private summer vacation shooting hoops together?

Carter Shaq-ing Up with Gay, Boozer in Remote Paradise

It might not happen often in the NHL, but Pittsburgh does occasionally beat New Jersey. Newspapers, on the other hand, might make it seem like a cold day in… well, you know.

Devils Overwhelmed by Fleury and Penguins

Finally, what if an Atlanta football icon were to dodge pending federal charges, be traded to Detroit Lions and then approached by management with the choice of a massive signing bonus or a diminutive possession receiver? You might end up reading the following over Sunday coffee:

Vick Gives Furrey the Ax; Will Spend Next Years Tossing Salad and Playing with Johnson

Then again, you might read a very similar headline if Vick cops a plea with the Feds.

Still enjoying Canon Fodder? Do you find it pun-ny? (Okay, I’ll stop.) If so, pass us on to friends and acquaintances. Heck, start spamming friends with our link. We don’t care. But I do care about your questions and comments and such. Send them to me at jeff@canon-fodder.com.

Posted in Canon Fodder, Jeffrey Petts, MLB, NBA, NFL, NHL | No Comments »

Five Things You Can Book in Vegas

Monday, August 13th, 2007

We’re taking a brief break from our Fantasy Primer series to tackle a few issues of greater importance in the world of sports. Though Canon Fodder does not endorse gambling outside the borders of Nevada, here are a quintet of suggestions should you find yourself in a sports book with money to wager.

This is the high water mark for the Yankees – With a pitching rotation still in flux and Joe Torre’s penchant for overworking his bullpen, it’s hard to imagine the pinstripes keeping pace with the boys from Beantown. Though I’m sure the collars on Red Sox uniforms are feeling a bit tighter today than back in May, this is probably as close as these two teams will be the rest of the summer. On the other hand, the Yanks are probably in the wild card race for the duration and that will likely mean the world (or at least the Worldwide Leader in Sports) will turn all its attention to a renewal of “The Rivalry”.

The resurgence of Rick Ankiel will be short-lived – Remember this guy? Here’s a clip…

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=f_7PzR9H_54[/youtube]

We’ll Rick’s back and playing right field for the Cardinals. He’s already hit a trio of bombs since being recalled from the minors last week. But what’s going to happen when Ricky hits his first slump? I’m betting more of the same as we saw back in ’01.

The dominance of the San Diego Chargers is at an end – Marty and his dreadful playoff record is gone, replaced by Norv Turner and his dreadful regular season record. Hear that window slamming shut? That was the Chargers’ shot at a Super Bowl this year.

But at least Tomlinson should continue to put up some big numbers and be a key cog on fantasy championship teams.

The release of Madden 08 on Tuesday will be the biggest yet – I would like to make fun of the pathetic souls standing outside their local video game store at midnight except I’ve been there and was frustrated when clock struck twelve and cursed the guys working for not unlocking the door fast enough to satisfy the throng of losers. Considering Madden is the only NFL-sanctioned game in town, the odds of this game succeeding might not even be on the board in Vegas.

Barry Bonds won’t be a Giant in 2008 – With #756 out of the way and the Giants wallowing near the bottom of the standings, there’s little reason to keep an aging super-duper-prima donna so expect the human bobblehead to find a new residence even if it’s just across the bay DH-ing for the A’s. But the fans in San Francisco love Barry, you say. True. Unfortunately his teammates are only lukewarm to him. Don’t think so? Watch the clip closely.

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=Er8Ws1Ttx_E[/youtube]

Did you see elation on the faces of the other Giants players? Their Hall of Fame-bound teammate just passed Hammerin’ Hank for what might have be the most prized record in all of sports and they were cheering as enthusiastically as if they were at a junior high production of Fiddler on the Roof. Heck, even Aaron’s scoreboard speech seemed to be forced at gunpoint. (Though I’ll give him credit for doing the entire monologue through gritted teeth.) Taking all that into consideration, you can bet Giants management will bid the bobblehead’s oversized hats, ego, paycheck and Balco troubles a found “adieu” when the calendar turns to November.

So there you are; five bet-your-house locks you can take to Vegas. While you’re there, put a fin for me on the Detroit Tigers to take the AL Central. The White Sox (my preseason pick) are long gone and forgotten. The Twinkies have scoring issues and I’m just not sold on Cleveland’s pitching staff down the stretch so hand the division crown to the Bengals and let’s get ready for the post-season.

Like what you’ve seen so far? Tell someone about Canon Fodder. Question, comment or complaint? Fire them my way: jeff@canon-fodder.com.

Posted in Canon Fodder, Jeffrey Petts, MLB, NFL | 2 Comments »

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