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Mock Rock

Friday, March 14th, 2008

By Joe Moskwa

I owe you guys a video game article. The last time I was here I talked about a new game I’m getting addicted to. Now I’m wondering something – if I write more than a couple paragraphs about a game, that probably makes me a Trekkie or something. I’ll probably just end up rambling on and on about all you 37 year olds that wait outside toy stores at midnight for the new Madden or Halo games. How do those of you with wives and kids pull that off?

Ok. I am sort of a geek. I still have all my original Nintendo games from about 20 years ago. When they all stopped working a while back, I discovered that Nintendo re-made a bunch of the chips that are inside the actual game box. I bought one online, took the box apart, and put the new chip in. This chip is that same thing the game cartridge locked into. I’m sure some of you have bought game cleaners for the games or even blown into the game or the game box. Well, that wasn’t really doing much. The natural wear and tear on the chip made the stoppage of play inevitable. Now with the new chip? It’s like I have a brand new Nintendo. Ice Hockey, Blades of Steel, Bases Loaded, Contra, and Golf work perfect now. And there are dozens of other forgotten classics like these…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=um-GMygsRg4[/youtube]

But don’t get me wrong. I don’t actually sit around and play these games. I don’t. I usually just wait around for the perfect situation to bust it out. It’s like the tide coming in on the night of a full moon. It’s gotta be one of those times where one or two old Nintendo-heads happen to be at my house. The kids are asleep, we’ve all had a few beers, and the wives for whatever reason aren’t giving us too much flack. So out it comes and it usually ends up being Super Tecmo Bowl. In my opinion, this is the game that really stepped it up and made the first REAL football game. And – this is debatable – the game is still fun to play. If anyone wants a shot at the title? Email me. I’d be glad to take Warren Moon or Thurman Thomas and crush you. Seriously. I’d pay 20 bucks cash to anyone that can take me 2-out-of-3 in what might be the BEST video game ever made.

I did end up playing a new game though. A brand new one. With some younger friends. I am now addicted to Rock Band on X-Box. It’s like Guitar Hero, but you also now have a set of drums and a singer. The little punks that have the game don’t even like rock music. However they recognize some of the songs and it’s a blast, especially for a rocker like me. I think we’re playing it this Sunday night. I’ll have a 12-pack downed in two hours of this nonsense. I get to play a guitar to the same notes that Keith Richards once played and sing note-for-note to a Kurt Cobain or Scott Weiland song. I didn’t even need to read the words on Weezer’s “Say It Ain’t So“.

Editor’s note: I’m nearly 35 years old and I still love video games. However, this whole Rock Band-Guitar Hero-thing is beyond me. Maybe I’m a little like Stan Marsh. Normally that’s not something to be proud of, but in this case…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpMOOScwMiw&feature=related[/youtube]

Oh, and Joe officially had his “rocker” card revoked.

Alright. That’s all I can handle on writing about video games. Before I go, I do want to say that I have something else I’m going to talk about next week. I used to work in an office, and I perfected ONE thing in an eight-year span. It’s the solitary thing I miss now that I’m not an office guy anymore. It’s doing very subtle and untraceable things to drive co-workers INSANE. I’ll give you some tips next week to help you make your office job much more interesting. Well, after I give you the granddaddy of them all today.

This should keep you occupied for about a week. This is a priceless and timeless office prank that I thought of and perfected over the years. And if you think you’ve done this before me or seen it before, fine. But I’m claiming this as some of my best work.

Here’s how you do it. (Well, if you have someone you’d like to send to the nut house.) All you need is a very small piece of scotch tape. We’re talking smaller than a square centimeter. You need scissors to cut it this small. How can something so small create so much chaos you ask? Here’s how: you unplug the target’s desk phone from the handset or the base, either/or. You place that little piece of tape onto that tiny little plastic square that plugs back in, and then jam it back in. It will appear to be plugged in, however the connection is now blocked. The phone will still ring, and your office pal will be able to hear what is being said on the other end, but the caller will not be able to hear your victim. Laugh as your pal shouts louder and louder into the phone to be heard. It’s a 100% guarantee that you will hear these exact words: “CAN YOU HEAR ME?? HELLLOOOO!!!!”

Other potential outcomes: phone slamming, yelling, hair being pulled out, phones being taken apart, tech and/or I.T. guys coming by, teams of people trying to “fix” the problem, whole phone units being replaces, etc.

Try this. Enjoy it. Let me know how it works out for you. Be glad I gave you this morsel up front. This should be the taste that brings you back next week to hear about the other 98 ways to drive office buddies insane.

Have a rockin’ weekend.

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Have a question or rude comment? Send them straight to Joe at joe@canon-fodder.com.

Posted in Canon Fodder, Joe Moskwa, Video Games | 1 Comment »

I Didn’t Say That

Friday, February 29th, 2008

By Joe Moskwa

We’re kind of at a down time right now, but not for long! The NBA and NHL playoffs will be here before we know it, and spring training baseball games are already being played. In the meantime, I’ll keep it light, short, and sweet. How about a list?

    15 Things You’ll Never Hear Me Say:

“Six a.m.? Sure, I’ll be up by then.”

“Milk? Uhh, do you have any ‘Silk’ instead?”

“I can’t, I gave that up for Lent.”

“My favorite opera? But there are so many to choose from.”

“I tried the Atkins for a while but I think I’m more of a South Beach kind of guy.”

“Just donate it all to charity”

“No, I’m the designated driver”

“So last night I was watching Idol…”

“Yes, I’m here for the volunteer program”

“It’s just horrible what they do to the cows and the pigs. Because of that, I’m not going to eat anything with a face ever again.”

“This is such a beautiful wedding. Did you see the flowers? And the place settings! Did you hear how he proposed?”

“Just highlight the ends… And can you touch up my eyebrows?”

“What’s cool about Sweetest Day is that now you don’t have to wait a whole year for Valentines.”

“I’ll have a moca caffe caramel cappuccino latte… Extra whipped cream”

“Brittney Spears and Michael Jackson are just misunderstood, you probably just need to get to know them”

And since this IS a sports site, a handful more…

    Things You’ll Never Hear Me Say At a Sporting Event:


“No, because if I drink before we get into the park I’ll have to hit the john in the first inning.”

“It’s too cold out here.”

“What am I supposed to eat? All they have is pizza, greasy meats, and nachos.”

“I’m not sure the cheerleaders should be wearing that.”

“Beer sales stop after halftime? Thank god. It’s getting a little out of hand here.”

I actually have about 200 of these written down. Beware, more will come. Next week I may comment on the new greatest video game ever made. I actually found something that may top Nintendo’s original Tecmo Super Bowl. It’s an X-Box game that I instantly became addicted to and actually got me to tell my wife to go back upstairs because we “aren’t leaving yet”.

What game is it? You’ll have to wait and see.

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Tiger Dads

Friday, February 22nd, 2008

By Joe Moskwa

It’s my turn to write about something on our lovely blog. Football is over, and there’s really not much I gamble on these days, so I think I’ll change it up today.

Let’s go right off the top of my head. Well, more like the INSIDE of my head.

We’ll talk about kids and sports. Just for a bit.

I played a ton of sports when I was a kid. I was actually pretty good at some of them too. I was even set to compete in college – a few of my coaches even gave me some tips on how to eventually get drafted. What I needed to work on, what kind of workouts I’d need to do for strength building in certain areas, etc.

Well, it’s safe to say it didn’t work out because I’m not a household name and on a cereal box. I ended up with a very annoying and nagging injury that still bugs me to this day; something equivalent to a NASCAR driver losing his right foot. But it wasn’t the only reason I’m not still competing. Things just don’t always work out, especially when odds of “making it” are about the same as winning Powerball.

My one complaint? No, it’s not that I don’t play sports anymore. I have a cool job and a great family, which I would never replace. What bothers me the most is that no one who was involved in the situation ever had the guts to say anything like, “Ya’ know, it’s almost impossible to make a career out of sports. Why don’t you just focus more on a real job and stop dreaming like a delusional moron.” I had a cousin try to tell me that, but she never saw me play so I just figured SHE was the moron. I remember being 13, and she was 18, and she said something like, “You’ll probably just end up hurting yourself or just realizing that you’re not that good. Maybe you should try to be more realistic.” Then my other cousin, her sister, who was a little older, told her something along the lines of, “Shut-up, dream crusher.”

Turns out the former cousin knew what she was talking about. Which causes me to wonder if being very realistic and rational is the way to go. Should more of us wise up and tell the others to cut it out?

I have small kids and if they start playing sports, what do I say when they insist that they’ll be a professional golfer? Do I say, “Nope, you’ll probably be a teacher or work some office job.”

Does that sound negative? Is it one of those things you can’t say to a child? Hold on. I golf a lot. I spend time at driving ranges. If I ever have a buddy with me at the range, I say the first person to spot “Tiger Dad” wins 5 bucks. Who is “Tiger Dad”? “http://www.amazon.com/Training-Tiger-Fathers-Raising-Winner/dp/0062701789″>Tiger Dad”, aka TD, is the dad with the 5-year-old son at the range. The son is trying to hit the ball, and the dad is yelling at the kid because he’s not driving it 300 yards down the middle. TD actually will SAY something like, “HOW ARE YOU EVER GOING TO EARN $30 MILLION A YEAR IF YOU CAN’T SWING A CLUB?!” And it’s plain as day the kid would rather be riding his bike. Watch out for TD next time at the range. He’s there EVERY day. Just look for him. I’ve spotted TD at batting cages too. I’ve seen SEVERAL dads actually shouting at their 7-year-olds that can’t even hit a 20 MPH machine-fed pitch. I’ve heard these EXACT words before: “How are you going to be the next A-Rod if you can’t hit???” The kid looked over like, “Who’s A-Rod”? So maybe it’s not so bad to tell your child that you’ll pay for their classes at the community college for a few years, and then they can finish up at a local university. That way, they can get an honest job as “Office-Rod”, not “A-Rod”.

So the big question today is, what do I do? Do I lie? Do I tell the truth?

I’m not talking about those fibs you tell your kids. (“Those dogs are just wrestling,” and, “If you don’t wear your gloves outside your hands will fall off.” My personal favorite is telling my daughter that if she keeps chewing her hair, then hair will grow on her tongue. Then I pull up a picture on Google of a hairy tongue, and show it to her. “THIS GUY CHEWED HIS HAIR.”) I’m talking about telling your kids how the world really works. Or maybe giving them a FEW clues before they hit it themselves. Because I’m still learning every day, and there’s something to be said for experiencing things for the first time that make you say, “Oh, I get it now.” You probably won’t hear me tell them that they’ll play for the Red Wings or the Shock “without a doubt”. Because when they find out Santa was a fib, they’re still kids. But when they find out their guaranteed spot in the Tigers lineup isn’t a guarantee, sometimes they could be 25 years old. Ouch.

I’m looking for advice, but I’m leaning towards a very realistic approach from now on.

Lastly, for the TDs of the world: GET A LIFE! You look like a fool at the cages, man.

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Posted in Canon Fodder, Joe Moskwa, Rants | No Comments »

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