Canon Fodder – Sports Blog

By Joe Moskwa

We’re in that “down week” between the title games and the Big One. That “week off”. I guess it’s to build the hype, or give the teams and host city a chance to be 100% prepared. Speaking of being prepared, I remember one year of preparations specifically. I made sure I had the Sunday off, bought food and beers, and kept thinking about how I couldn’t wait for the game. Sunday rolls around, and I KNOW there’s gonna be some sort of pre-game show, so I’m flipping through channels. I can’t find a THING. I’m checking the guide on my cable, checking the newspaper, and NOTHING. Imagine my surprise and confusion, as I’m discovering not a single THING. I know I lived alone, I remember being in my apartment when this was happening. It was a while ago. I recall my remote control being tossed across the room in frustration. I didn’t know what to do. It was Super Bowl Sunday and I guess the game is blahcked out in my complex. But just in case it was something else, I went to an electronics store to get a new TV. I told the sales guy that it HAD to be a TV that got the Super Bowl on it. My current TV wasn’t getting the Super Bowl. He assured me that all the TVs would get the game, and that the TV would be shipped during the week, just in time for the game. “During the week?” I asked. “Yeah, the game is next Sunday” he says.

Fast forward to the following week. It’s the REAL Super Bowl Sunday. Guess who is scheduled to work 2-11? Yes, me. Boy, this “off week” really bit me in the rear. Was I really going to miss a Super Bowl? Really? Me? It couldn’t be real. It was like a bad dream. So this is what I came up with. I just showed up at the job at 8am that day, and I scribbled over my 2-11 on the schedule and wrote in an 8-5 shift. As I was leaving at 5 that day, I remember the staff mentioning something about how someone must’ve made a scheduling mistake because they were missing their 2-11. Oh well, sucks to be them.

The “week off” that year almost killed me, but now I’m just more attentive. This year, the best part about it is that I get a week to write about football, but not have to pick a game! There’s no WAY I can make a bad pick this week. Therefore, I’m not going to talk about the Super Bowl. I could. But I won’t. Just listen to the others talk. I’ll summarize it for you. “Eli Manning BLAH BLAH Archie Manning BLAH BLAH Brady BLAH BLAH Peyton last year BLAH BLAH Patriots BLAH BLAH undefeated BLAH BLAH Junior Seau ring BLAH BLAH Tom Brady BLAH BLAH Dynasty BLAH BLAH”. That should just about do it.

Okay, what I would like to mention is the Chargers are just about “there”. Where is “there”? It’s beating the Pats. They have a solid core and scheme, but may just need some touching up. A couple of blue-chip plays to run inside the 10, perhaps a first-round defender in the draft, and that should just about do it. And is the Philip Rivers / Chris Chambers / Vincent Jackson trio becoming money or what? Norv Turner gets my unofficial Coach of the Year award. (Sorry Marinelli, you JUST missed it).

As for the Packers, I’m sure we all thought Favre was in. I sure did. Now it’s almost like a massive shock that Brett threw that horrible INT in OT. It was bad. I’ve never seen such a bad throw leave his hand in such a critical situation. “Why? How did that happen?” you wonder. I can tell you why it happened. Let’s say he completes the pass. Then another. And another. The Pack drives into range, and kicks the winner. Brett goes to the big game, knocks off the Pats, and then he retires. That would make a pretty good movie some years down the road, wouldn’t it? It would be perfect. Not a box-office smash, but something worth watching on ESPN Classic after your wife falls asleep one night. Well, there’s your answer. That’s why it didn’t happen. Because it would’ve made a good movie. Which is a theory I’ve had for a long time. If it would make a great movie, it probably won’t happen. Sure, some things have happened in sports that have made some of my favorite flicks. “Miracle”. “Remember the Titans”. “We are Marshall”. “Glory Road”. Awesome stuff. All true. All solid movies. But these things are few and far between, and most are things that are impossible to happen again. (Unless of course, a college basketball team with five WHITE players wins the NCAA tourney? HA!)

But you see, with movies, it has to seem impossible or far-fetched to be watchable. This is why I ONLY watch true stories – because knowing this seemingly impossible story actually HAPPENED is the only part I like. It’s a fact. Most movies are fiction, and it just annoys me that people watch things that are so stretched. Think about what happens in movies. Think about how the world would be if we actually LIVED in a movie. Every time the cops were chasing you in your car, all you’d have to do to get away is to drive through a busy intersection and through a red light, (don’t worry, you won’t get hit), and you’d escape and then get to see 20 cop cars all crash and pile up. It would happen every time.

If you were on some sort of mission to save humanity, odds are that you will probably suffer a blow to the head and get knocked unconscious. Unconscious for how long? Well you’d wake up just in time to finish off what you set out to do. Like an alarm clock went off.

If you’re under water, perhaps to rescue someone from a sinking car (possibly as a result of your attempts to evade the police), or maybe hiding from a shark? Don’t worry; you’ll be able to hold your breath for at least 10 minutes. Maybe more. Running out of breath? Just do that “breath into the other person’s mouth that’s under there with you” move and you’ve just bought another 10 minutes.

Your car can escape a police chase, but if someone is chasing you on FOOT, and they have a knife or machete, just keep running past that same car. If you get in, it won’t start. I promise.

Let’s say your chaser catches you. But there’s no weapon. It’s just going to be a fight. Don’t fret if you get punched in the face 20 times in a row. You’ll be fine. Just use the “head butt” move. Head “butt” him in his head as hard as you can. It won’t hurt YOU, just him. (But wait for the inspirational / motivational music to start first).

Short on cash? Go play craps at the casino. You’ll win every time. Every roll is a winner. Every toss ends in a crowd of 50 people cheering wildly. Especially when the gorgeous blonde walks up to you and blows on the dice. How does this casino stay in business?

Really wanna up your winnings at the casino? Just rob it. All you need is a couple of helpers to walk into the vault with you, stash the millions into a bag, and walk out. Because security really isn’t that tight in casinos. Sure, you might be spotted on the way out, but all you’ll have to do is just shoot a few shot machines and you’ll be out the door.

What should you do with all that money you have from the casino? Just buy a time machine. Since time travel is possible (duh). But don’t worry when you discover that in a few years all cars FLY. Nope, no roads. You just fly around the city in invisible lanes, and it’s all very organized. LOOKS dangerous to have cars flying around each other all day, but don’t worry, there’s never a crash.

Maybe you’re traveling the world with all that stolen cash? But you only speak English? It’s cool, it’s the main language everywhere. Even in Russia or China where the Russians or Chinese are just talking to each OTHER – it’s still English, just with an accent.

FBI or mob chasing you because you have all that cash? Are they shooting at you? Just duck out of the way of the bullets. Or move to the side. They’re just bullets traveling at hundreds of feet per second, you’ve got time.

Or if you ARE struck by the bullet? Just make sure you have a bullet-proof vest on. The vest will end up working more like a magnet. It will assure you that you’ll be shot in the chest ONLY. Not the head or leg, just the chest. It’ll knock you out, you’ll appear to be dead, but as your buddy or pal attends to you, it’ll just take one “shake” of your body or a slap on the face for him to wake you up. “Whew, close one!”

FBI locked you up in prison for your crimes? And you got 40 years? Ouch. But it’s not over! All you need is a fork from the cafeteria, and you’ll be able to escape. Just dig a hole through the wall in your cell. You know cell walls aren’t made of concrete right? It’s just soft clay. More like Playdoh. Piece of cake. And don’t worry about the guards. They won’t discover it until you’re in the Bahamas.

Yup, this is why Brett Favre didn’t make it to the Super Bowl this year. Just woulda been too good of a movie.

I have a Super Bowl gathering at my house to plan. First one I’ve ever hosted! Hope everyone likes tofu chili and soy dip. (Just kidding. I’ll be serving “I can’t believe it’s not soy’. AKA meat.)

Enjoy the off week. Spend some time with your family so you will catch less flak for ignoring all day next Sunday.